Marriage Equality Act: My Story

When I came out I was 19, and by 21 I was in a 2 year struggle to deal with my faith and sexuality, having been on opposite sides of myself to the exclusion of the other. By 23, I met a man that I later wanted to marry, but that relationship would end. However, in between is the amazing story because it would help shape me to take on other issues.

In November 2010 I had just come back to the fold of LGBT activism as I began to sever ties with religious groups who made me feel as if my faith and sexuality were at odds, and reconnected to an old friend, Kitty Lambert & Cheryle Rudd…now Lambert-Rudds (Whom I refer to affectionately as Grandma Kitty & Grandma Cheryle) it was a tough time as they had endured harassment and not knowing of my struggle as I had proven myself, she was skeptical of my wanting to be involved. Some had come pretending to be for the cause but fell away after they were asked to circulate letters, petitions, make calls or do something that showed they were in this fight. The path to that moment of reconnection had been a treacherous one

Church groups

I got involved with many church groups and was active from about 2006-2010. I enjoyed it but as marriage for gay couples began to make the news and the legal fight began to take shape. The church’s General Assembly passed a resolution affirming that marriage is between a man and a woman and they wouldn't officiate such unions (that is their religious freedom rights after all) and they would discourage any members from attending such a wedding. When 2 friends of mine got married, I heard that someone asked if the wedding I attended was between a man and a woman that got married. I knew the church’s stance on it and I didn't want to feel like I was being beaten up every Sunday

I also was involved in a Christian theater group that, once seeing my activity on Facebook said I was not welcome in the troupe if I advocated for marriage rights for gay couples. One man I went to college with told me we had no friendship in Christ, and when I went ex-gay for a while he said simply “I’ll pray for you” I haven’t heard from him since and the hurt he caused with his words made me realize why it is gay teens have thought it was better to put a bullet through their head than to continue living.

I also severed my ties from that church I attended. I didn't go to Bible Study one Wednesday then I decided not to go back that coming Sunday. I was in church fatigue mode and I didn't want anything to do with any church…then came November 2010

November 2010 Onward

In 2011 when the NYS Senate sat, we had to get our bearings and the best thing we could do was to form a coalition. The Governor was dedicated to this fight and all our organizations like HRC & ESPA (Empire State Pride Agenda) MENY (Marriage Equality New York) had to band together as New Yorkers United for Marriage. We united with one purpose: securing the votes for passage of the Marriage Equality Act. We met with Republican Senators  (I personally met with Galavan and Grisanti) because we knew that we had to have a few Republicans along with all Democratic Senators but one…Diaz. Not only did we need the Gay Rights Organizations on our side but we needed the NYS bar Association, Labor Groups, Mental Health Groups, Child Welfare Groups, Religious groups, groups that were on the periphery but still had a stake in strong families. We always talked about rights, and equality but it was nonsense to them as they believed we already had the same rights and equality. They needed to see our faces and tell us NO we don’t believe you need to be equal or deserve rights TO OUR FACES. A few people while I was out on the trail told me it would never happen, the Legislature kept dragging their feet and the coalition kept going. We had to flood Albany with cards, letters, handwritten letters, calls, we couldn’t let them forget about us. It also helped that the Governor lobbied NY State Senate Republicans to woo them to our cause and of course, helped a few Democrats to say yes also that had said NO before.

Tense moments, debates, press conferences, news clips—some of which I was in outlining why we deserve to legally marry and how it was terrible that people can’t be there in the hospital with their loved ones at the end of their lives, could lose their kids, house and untold carnage in the wake of three words “You’re not married”

Also along the way we had a lot of fun events, I remember on a cold day we were in Niagara Square and we had an artist friend make a scroll and we would sign our names to it supporting marriage equality. A high school GSA headed by a stellar young lady had us paint a pro marriage equality banner to give to her state Representative. Another young lady had 1,324 jolly ranchers and put them in a bankers box, which Grandma Kitty dumped onto the table. The legislative aide’s eyes widened as he realized the deprivation gay couples had gone through for years. Fred Anguera and Ron Zacchi joined a group of us to head to Ranzenhoffer’s office (he stood us up) but we still had fun talking and joking. I’ll never forget the day Gaga had everyone call Mark Grisanti and his voicemail was full for hours. I also had to posture Galavan who didn’t take me seriously until I cited case law about marriage and we let him know that prisoners could legally marry. Though this I’ve met a lot of wonderful people and I can’t enumerate all of them, but they have a special place in my heart.

June of 2011 was a tough one. Numerous rallies, protests, events, every single thing we did rain, sleet, hail or snow was catching up to this moment—after they named the state vegetable. Meetings with Galavan and Grisanti here in Western New York were on our minds as we kept hoping that soon we would hear that NY had legalized my right to marry. I’d spent many days on Grandma Kitty & Cheryle’s couch getting things together, talking over the future of Outspoken for Equality, figuring out things and just hoping to God this would be over soon.

Well, day by day ticked on and on and it was the last hour. How we did the things we did we don’t know to this day but we were doing what we needed to do, and hearing about all these groups of people who were pushing for our rights. When the vote came down and I was at Time Warner headquarters being filmed reacting to Mark Grisanti saying he votes in the affirmative, I was proud of my Senator even though I didn’t vote for him. Albany lost a great legislator when he lost his primary, I may not agree with him, but he was always willing to listen…even if he avoided us a few times. I had knots in my stomach as Republican Senators Saland and McDonald spoke and I knew Alessi was on our side. The Long Island Republicans we’d been told might vote for us…didn’t. In the end it was Western New York, overlooked and all had made marriage possible for New York.

The speeches, Diaz filibustering and all 2 years after saying it wouldn’t come to a vote in a Republican controlled Senate, other than that hardly any No votes defending their position. Then the moment of truth came Nays 29 Ayes 33…the motion carries!!! It was signed a short time later.

Celebrations and awesomeness exploded out across the state and of course, there were people wanting to spoil the day but we didn’t care about them. This was OUR day, the day I felt more like a FULL New Yorker. I felt proud of our state as the most populous state to have marriage equality.

 2 years later, DOMA would fall and 2 years after that the 6^th Circuit Court would be reversed having upheld marriage bans. It was amazing how quick it happened and now the religious tyranny…I mean, religious freedom fight is the next phase which we’ll have to fight against in securing employment protections in states whose state lawmakers are more hostile to gay rights. The fight continues as we have conversations and bring things to peoples’ attention like transgender rights and issues for LGBT people of color who may feel left out of the movement. We have the way forward, it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it as we fight for greater equality