How Movies & TV Made Me Aware of My Homosexuality

Movies and TV have a way of revealing things to us about ourselves. I remember knowing I was gay at an early age and media helped confirm that over the years.  I came of age in the 1990s/2000s so of course some of these are dated in their portrayal of queer characters but I can't deny the impression they made on me. I'll share a few below and why, it ranges from individuals, movies and TV. 

Trick (1999)

What I like about this movie is that it's a romantic comedy at its heart, no drama, HIV, gay bashing etc. But what really set my gay heart aflutter was Gabriel. In this film, Mark and Gabriel look for a place to mess around for the night. But you only need to take one look at JP Pitoc to realize why I was aflutter when he was on screen. I remember seeing a clip or two of this movie when I was younger 

This was the first time I'd ever seen the male gaze aimed at another man. For once, I--me--a gay man was looking at someone appealing to ME instead of having to fake it over a woman  

My Supernova Zoa

Is it wrong that every time I show them this video, they don't remember much about the movie it's from? after all, this is the only musical number in the 1999 film Zenon: Girl of the 23rd Century. In an interview, actor Phyllip Rhys talked about how people continue to recognize him even NOW as Proto Zoa from Zenon even though he has directed and been involved in lots of roles on the stage.

Since I was a teenager when the film came out but never caught it until this year, I remember that ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM make my heart go boom boom boom and the man that sang the song. I saw him and I was stunned because he was so hot. This was around 2000-1 when I was still struggling with my sexuality, and blond guys were in

Partial List of Boyhood Crushes 

JTT, Justin Timberlake, Joey Lawrence's "Nothin My Love Can't Fix" Fredro Starr

Let me remind everyone that I was a teenager in the late 90s early 00s so JTT was a big deal and so was JT. I liked him better after he cut off those blond curls and showed his maturity a bit after adapting an R&B sound to his repertoire of music. Johnathan Taylor Thomas was in a movie where he played a bisexual hustler, and another called Common Ground 

His music video made me feel "funny" and as I was about 6/7 years old I was like "Why does it make me feel funny like that, like I shouldn't like it even though I do?" In hindsight I know precisely why

Then there's Fredro Starr. I remember him from an episode of Moesha, he appeared in Strapped with Bokeem Woodbine and most recent credit as Bird from The Wire. Maybe it's the idgaf attitude he has, or those lips, or just the hard edge he's always shown that always appealed to me.  

Senseless (1998)

This is one of the few films starring Marlon Wayans that didn't have the involvement of other Wayans family members. April Scott plays his mother and Orlando Brown plays his younger brother. It follows Darryl Witherspoon as he tries to become a finalist for a Smythe-Bates Jr Analyst position. He takes an experimental drug to heighten his senses to better his chances 

Matthew Lillard is also featured as Darryl's roommate Tim, who is very hipster. He had a bisexual phase while watching Interview with the Vampire (Brad Pitt helped cement my gayness) and here are a few stills that helped 

The gay couple in the restaurant...they were both feminine and played up BDSM--which I don't know much about as I'm not into it

Marlon Wayans' nude buttocks. I think that's how I knew I was an assman

Queer as Folk & Noah's Arc 

I put the two of these together for different reasons. Queer as Folk made me realize that I wasn't the only gay person out there. I liked the diversity of masculinity between the guys. Ted was your average guy, Emmett was your really feminine guy, Michael was definitely straddled both sides of the masc/femme spectrum and Brian was an "Alpha Male" I loved that Vic was an older man and how aging and HIV status played into relationships and living with HIV wasn't sanitized. 

The reason Noah's Arc is closer to my heart is because we see the different types of men in this one, but this is the first time I saw a show about BLACK, GAY men. I hardly saw any black gays in QAF, I only remember seeing 4 during the entire 5 seasons...or 6 if I could Monty and 7 if I count Blair from S2 E3 of the show. Either way, black gay men weren't tokens, they were the focus of this show. I saw things through the lens of being both queer AND black and that's why I enjoyed it so much. I saw people I knew and friends of mine even talked about which character we were most like. 

EPILOGUE

Though some of the men on the list aren't queer themselves, they did play a part in my understanding of my sexuality. They were sexy to me, they were attractive, and though some of the problematic depictions exist like the one in Cruel Intentions they were a step to me realizing that yes I am gay, but I don't express myself that way and it's okay. 

Lately there have been better depictions of gay men as regular people like in Schitt's Creek or The Old Guard, or even Sense8, all of which I wish I had growing up. I am glad it's out there now for the next generation because now they can see themselves better reflected and not feel so othered as queer folk.

What moments or scenes in movies or TV stirred your little gay heart? Or celebrity crushes?