Spencer Hamilton's Review of 1984's Romancing the Stone

This is one of my absolute favorite 1980s films and is required viewing for anyone dating me or wishing to marry me 

Our story begins with our heroine, Angelina being held up by a SOB POS named Grogan, she puts a blade in him and that was the end of the man that caused her all kinds of grief. She emerges from her house only to be greeted by the scuzziest brothers ever with the sickest intentions. And when all seems lost and she's toast...there he was, my beloved Jesse dispatching them like day old garbage that doesn't smell yet. When his lips met mine I knew we were going to be together...Forever

Oh that's good! The End of Joan Wilder's newest book



Sweetheart, Romeo I finished...that's when we find out she's a spinster with one of the CUTEST cats! Don't get your tail stuck in the door Romeo!

We're treated to a celebratory scene set to some 80s Giggity music. I want Joan's Mini bar and she looks into her beloved Jesse's eyes ass he reflects "Here's looking at you kid"


Joan must be a lightweight or set in her spinster ways as she oversleeps and is late getting to her publisher.

Mrs Erwin, a neighbor of Joan's drops a package off to her since she's a kind old lady and this is the 80s so they trust people more. Here's a letter from Colombia from your brother in law

She goes to her publisher then out for a drink but Joan will never be happy because no one compares to Jesse. How is your sister Elaine?" -"She manages, and they only found a single piece of her husband" The husband is pictured here. Zolo comes to visit Joan Wilder's apartment to pay a visit and when Joan returns...

what the Sam Hill happened here? Jump scare and the phone rings--something younguns don't know about today. Hi Sis, I'm in trouble, I got kidnapped by a KID but that's beside the point. Sis, you gotta get that map Eduardo sent to me to Cartegena. Don't tell anybody or they'll cut me...or feed me to alligators I don't know which one yet. Why the H didn't anyone stop that kid, they know he's not eold enough to drive yet! Tke down this number and call us when you get to the Hotel Cartegena!

Joan tells Ellen she has to go down to Cartegena to comfort her sister, and Ellen is alarmed because the last time she had an issue, they only found a piece of her husband. "Insects the size of sanitation workers, you practically puke riding the escalator at Bloomingdale's. "A lot of people get sick on escalators. As a spinster I have to tell you: Feed him and rub his twice a day" Her publisher's like "Ugh, spinsters...I'll feed him, but I'm not rubbing him" Colombia here we come! 

Joan gets on the wrong bus, causes an accident and waits. Zolo, the guy that ransacked her apartment tells her there will be another bus. Psych! I lied, all seems lost and Joan is in imminent danger and whoa...who's that? Her Beloved Jesse comes and rescues her. Oh dangit, my birds! There goes all the money I was trying to make to get outta this place! Okay, Jesse's a bit of a disappointment, but we could work with it. Joan says: I need some help I'll give you $100 it's of the utmost importance and Jack is like: $500 I won't be had $375 in traveler's checks good? As long as it's American Express Fine with me and off to the jungles and they're getting to know each other. Joan expects a gentleman that would carry her bags and be polite, but he throws her suitcase overboard and cuts the heels off her shoes. Of course, they're getting along SWIMMINGLY until Zolo comes back with some buddies and Our Jesse has some history with him. Jack fends them off while Joan is like: Deuces, crosses a bridge, then swings on a vine to the other side. Jesse follows and Joan is like: I"mma need a drink to handle all this. Jack is like: Drinkin'?! I almost got blown away and you're over here drinkin (tosses bottle back before running)

They travel to a fuselage where they spend the night. Jack finds out the Doobie Brothers broke up and we learn his actual name. In the morning,they head to a nearby rural town where Juan, whose fueslage it was is a fan of Joan's and helps them escape.

Now tthat they've made it to a town with a hotel, they get dolled up and dance and fall in Loooove. Danny Devito is on the business end of a woman that will not be trifled with. Joan wonders: Why didn't you take the map from me? Jack is like: I didn't want to and under his breath he's like I made a copy when we got to town, let's get some more lovin' Wait...let's find whatever is at the end of that map! Zolo's men show up at the hotel and they escape the hotel. Unbeknownst to them, Ralph is in the back and they drive out to the Devil's Fork. They find the jewel at the end of the map but Danny Devito holds them up at gunpoint and woop! Zolo and The Mounties emerge ...can our people get a break!

Finally at the end of the map and with the Jewel, they end up in the river on opposite sides and Jack (Jesse's real name) promises to meet her at the hotel, he also has the jewel

All the people meet in the dramatic climax. Joan and her sister can go, but find out that Jack has the jewel. Joan fights off Zolo and rescues her sister, Ira leaves Ralph as the cops come. Jack will NOT let the alligator that swallowed the jewel get away, "Don't mention me, Cartegena cops and I go way back" Is there ANYONE in Colombia he doesn't go way back with?

Next scene Joan's publisher Ellen is crying over the book Joan just published and we see a more composed Joan. Everyone loves her and hassles her to buy stuff when she goes back to her apartment. A beautiful boat has some familiar feet, oh the alligator that ate the jewel made a great pair of shoes! Joan and Jack embrace and some of the greatest music I've heard End Titles Romancing the Stone

It was expected to flop, but it was a surprise hit when it was released March 30, 1984 according to Wikipedia. Robert Zimeckis, the director said that its success helped him get Back to the Future which would be released the next year.


The Strengths

The Writing, Directing and the Acting are on par here. Joan, Jack, and even Ellen is while not occupying much screen time she makes her presence known and honestly, I would've loved it to see Ellen in Cartegena with her. The story is straightforward with everyone looking for them and the map and it's solidly an adventure flick. The main villains are pretty fleshed out and even Zolo's established pretty well as a ruthless man despite our main villains just being petty thieves in comparison.

Weaknesses

Elaine. I wanted to see more of Elaine, at least a phone call before her kidnapping so that we could establish how close they are. The only explanation we get ins "The one piece" and a picture of the two on the dresser. Elaine doesn't really have a whole lot of screentime but she is largely forgettable.  For me, Jack and Joan ending up together was upon later thinking and watching a great YT video about what a remake of RTS would look like said that Jack didn't grow. He stayed the same, Danny DeVito was a wasted opportunity and a storyline with him would've been great to see with Joan and maybe her choosing between Ralph, having grown and Jack having not.

What I have to consider is: Does the weaknesses overcome the strengths? No! I would tweak some things if I were to remake the film, but overall I think it had better be done right while doing its own thing. Romancing the Stone is a solid film, full of adventure and great effort was put into making this film the best it could be and vaunted Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas to stardom! Go raid the mini bar and cuddle up with your cat spinsters, there's also romantic comedy in it for you