Coming Out: Why?

I am a young gay black man who had watched a parody of a young man coming out to his Mother the parody is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVAtVil3oWo you can pretty much tell it’s a parody especially given the wording that the ‘mother’ uses. However, the reality is that many parents who are religious may try to convince their child that the devil is in them or that gay people are horrible and need to be changed. But what is coming out about? Why is it necessary for those in our lives as gay people to know that we’re gay? What is all that about?

Personally, I have always thought that one thing in any relationship that is central is honesty. I remember watching Mambo Italiano and hearing him explain that he wanted to tell his parents because he wanted them to know the real him. One person said to me: Now that I know you’re gay I can get to know who you are fully. It is that spirit which makes coming out so necessary for many people, we don’t desire—most of us to tell you what position we are during sex (unless you’re the one we desire) or intensely personal things like that unless we know we can have that kind of conversation with you.

I remember before coming out I was always scrutinizing everything I did and hoping that I wasn’t looked at as gay because people would talk, they did of course. One boy said they should put me in a jail cell and get it over with and another said that I have homosexual tendencies. This was something I hated because at the time I didn’t want to seem different or that weak, pathetic, non sports playing, destined to be alone fag I heard so much about. When a young man came out in school, I ridiculed him to take the pressure off of me. I remember watching Law and Order wanting so much to tell my Mom but the words stuck in my throat like a peanut butter sandwich with no milk to wash it down. It was hellish and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, having to hide who I was in order to feel like this is what I must do in order to keep everything whole. I had a fear that maybe I would come out and things would be so different I wouldn’t want to be at home.

When I did come out, it was a little drama my Mom cried and they asked me if anyone touched me or something. Now, I did have a little romp with an older boy of 13 when I was 8, but this was after I found out I liked guys and I gotta say he was a hunk of handsome. I remember hating it that I couldn’t be around to see him and was sad and wanted to live with him. That’s how I knew. High school and college were whirlwinds of conflicting emotions with my faith and my sexuality. I wanted so much to be okay with the people around me and felt that if I were gay I couldn’t be Christian. I still look at this dynamic and puzzle over it but I am coming into an understanding of myself and my faith in a way that is quite centric. In High School, it was my whole world and in college, my sexuality was burgeoning and I had to deal with it. When rumors sprung up about me and a neighbor in my building I had so much shame I kept praying all the time to be straight. I never would be because I never was; it was something that was elusive because I’d never look at a woman the way I looked at a man. SO with this all bottled up, I ate, I threw myself into the Bible and Christian friends who I was afraid to lose if I had decided to come out, and I will say that I no longer talk to many of them. However, honesty with myself and who I am when I hit that pillow at night made their loss of no importance. I miss them, but then again they miss the other me that was a self hating, awkward guy that I hated being. All of the pressures of college didn’t make it any easier as I wasn’t ready for it. It was a dance I had learned to dance of many faces, all of them real none of them completely real they were like the Phantom of the Opera showing a glimpse of my real face but covering the rest.

So when I came out, as drama filled as it was I couldn’t hold it in much longer. It was either come out or die. Come out or I was going to die, I was going to start self destructing and go toward a downward spiral soon to last me a lifetime if I let it. It wasn’t just about being honest with my friends and family but also myself. It was about me. I was being selfish by letting people I love in my life know about me and the fact that this was the me that they were getting, this extra tidbit.

I want it to be as easy as saying that they like a song on the radio or the Mona Lisa one day, but until that day comes we have to be selfish and come out. It is healthy but if you know for a fact that your family would cut off financial support for i.e school, bear it out. Don’t put yourself in danger coming out. Wait until you are fully independent of them in order to come out and if they don’t want your presence then while it is hard, that will have to do. Coming out is never easy but it’s worth it. Everyone’s coming out story is different. My Mom was quiet and My Dad was the gabber. Either way, now they accept it though I can’t talk about it the way my siblings do, but they’re making progress. Coming out is not only about you, it’s also about people adjusting to it because you become the teacher and they become the student.

I feel coming out is necessary to the overall well being of a gay person

Thank You