The Perils of Dating an Addict
Hello,
When I met him, he was--and is--good looking, he had a job, he was smart, and when he asked me: What kind of guy are you looking for? I said: A guy I can enjoy. I have enjoyed him, but there was a bomb hidden under him that I had an idea about, but thought it was in the past. The reality would bear a different story.
I remember meeting him May 17 2008 and then having a date the next day at Friday's, Waterfront then hanging at my house for a short while and when he left, I thought: I really like him. I most certainly did. The next two weeks we were together almost every day, I remember just wanting to be close to him all the time and just texting and calling, waiting for another message from him to come through and just lighting up as I saw Darryl's name as the sender of a message.
Then it all just crushed me like a weight when he said on March 31st, that he was going into a rehab. I really liked him, I didn't want to let him go so I said I'd wait and we'd see what happened from there. When he got out, someone saw him downtown and I had no idea he was even home until I called his Father, then after we got back together, he said that it wasn't working out. This happened in a span from about March to August when we gave it another shot and by Oct 1st, I was single again. For a time, I just tried to get over him when after about a month I met someone and saw Darryl out on the road one day on the West Side (he'd score dope on the West Side) and I thought: That would be so funny if it were him. I walked up and hugged him being so happy to see him and we talked briefly and I introduced my friend George to him. This was a short time after we talked about our relationship and he admitted that he was the reason for the breakup, not I. One night, he was asking why do I even want to deal with him and I was silent, knowing in my heart that I loved him, which I did tell him a few days or a week later. He didn't return the sentiment but I was glad that he was honest with me and didn't say I Love You back in a hollow manner.This happened in December of 2010.
Then he went off to the second rehab and I decided that with this new found insight I would stand by my man and get through this. New Years--gone and every other day I got a letter so I was comforted by them After the rehab, he was staying in a halfway house and he only needed to take a bus down to my house at the time so we spent a lot of time together. Next, he went to his parent's house, where as I say in the South is a "gun culture" I feel that his Father's house is more like Washington DC, who's telling the truth, and since his brother and sisters are dealing with addiction and opiates, i hated the thought of it. As sure as I write every blog post myself, he relapsed again.
Off to another rehab and though we made a lot of progress and matured in our relationship, addiction has weaved itself into our relationship. He went off to another one across the state and he swore up and down that he'd quit the stuff. We talked about our future and what we wanted for us and from March of 2011 to January of 2012, we'd had many talks, arguments, letters that confronted each other and things that couples do when they're away for a while. I did see him in Oct 2011 and January 2012 before he was released and then I get a letter in the mail saying: It's over
I was told that it was because the connection had degraded, however, that was a steaming load of crap. I gave him time but I do admit I did pester him to at least talk to me and then backed off because he knew where to find me.
So after him commenting on a facebook pic I posted that showed I was losing weight, I went over his Father's and spent many days over his Father's house. Now, another turn seems to be where all of a sudden the same issues are coming up and he could be looking at another option that is another absence in the 3 years weve been together...it's been at least 2 years that he's been away from me. Now he can spend another few months from me, and after that long stretch from about March 2011 until about January 2012, it feels like I can't keep on with the same record of his use.
I won't act like I didn't allow myself to be put through this, I wanted to be a loving, supportive boyfriend that helped the man he loved through his addiction. Yet, I keep hearing the same record, the same songs, the same everything. I don't empathize with him when he's dope-sick because if he didn't enjoy being dope-sick, he wouldn't touch the stuff, he has shirked off the help he's been given, he's hung around with his old friends he used with, been around people that have used and I think he likes it all so he can be the victim. It's all happening to him, he doesn't want me to get depressed about things when addiction enters the picture, but I've dealt with two separate feelings: Should I stay and believe that I can be a person for him to lean on? or Should I go and find happiness somewhere else?
I mean, I am a smart man and I know that I can't help him do what he doesn't want to do. I hate hearing the same sad song all over again. I used, I'm going to rehab. I've used I have to go. I feel like This Old Heart of Mine where it says: You got me never knowing if you're coming or going...and I swear I feel like I have a timeshare boyfriend. I don't deserve that. I want to know what he wants from me too. I thought I knew, but as he said: I'm not quite myself yet. I don't know what to do with him. I don't know what to believe anymore about him. I don't know if I should even bother or just cut it. I am more toward the latter, I know I could get someone that's not an addict and is a good man with a job, smart, intelligent, and will actually be able to do stuff with me since he won't be dope-sick all the time.
I know I deserve better, and to be honest, Darryl not being the one scares me. However, I think about adoption and the fact that it would probably hurt our chances of adoption if we were going to because of his past. I needed to get this written down on paper because I needed to vent this. I get depressed about addiction stuff because our relationship ends, we stop being us and become two people who are always fighting about who the other is and the fact that he's an addict. I don't want that to be us. I want us to be strong, but I can't be strong for the both of us all the time.
When I met him, he was--and is--good looking, he had a job, he was smart, and when he asked me: What kind of guy are you looking for? I said: A guy I can enjoy. I have enjoyed him, but there was a bomb hidden under him that I had an idea about, but thought it was in the past. The reality would bear a different story.
I remember meeting him May 17 2008 and then having a date the next day at Friday's, Waterfront then hanging at my house for a short while and when he left, I thought: I really like him. I most certainly did. The next two weeks we were together almost every day, I remember just wanting to be close to him all the time and just texting and calling, waiting for another message from him to come through and just lighting up as I saw Darryl's name as the sender of a message.
Then it all just crushed me like a weight when he said on March 31st, that he was going into a rehab. I really liked him, I didn't want to let him go so I said I'd wait and we'd see what happened from there. When he got out, someone saw him downtown and I had no idea he was even home until I called his Father, then after we got back together, he said that it wasn't working out. This happened in a span from about March to August when we gave it another shot and by Oct 1st, I was single again. For a time, I just tried to get over him when after about a month I met someone and saw Darryl out on the road one day on the West Side (he'd score dope on the West Side) and I thought: That would be so funny if it were him. I walked up and hugged him being so happy to see him and we talked briefly and I introduced my friend George to him. This was a short time after we talked about our relationship and he admitted that he was the reason for the breakup, not I. One night, he was asking why do I even want to deal with him and I was silent, knowing in my heart that I loved him, which I did tell him a few days or a week later. He didn't return the sentiment but I was glad that he was honest with me and didn't say I Love You back in a hollow manner.This happened in December of 2010.
Then he went off to the second rehab and I decided that with this new found insight I would stand by my man and get through this. New Years--gone and every other day I got a letter so I was comforted by them After the rehab, he was staying in a halfway house and he only needed to take a bus down to my house at the time so we spent a lot of time together. Next, he went to his parent's house, where as I say in the South is a "gun culture" I feel that his Father's house is more like Washington DC, who's telling the truth, and since his brother and sisters are dealing with addiction and opiates, i hated the thought of it. As sure as I write every blog post myself, he relapsed again.
Off to another rehab and though we made a lot of progress and matured in our relationship, addiction has weaved itself into our relationship. He went off to another one across the state and he swore up and down that he'd quit the stuff. We talked about our future and what we wanted for us and from March of 2011 to January of 2012, we'd had many talks, arguments, letters that confronted each other and things that couples do when they're away for a while. I did see him in Oct 2011 and January 2012 before he was released and then I get a letter in the mail saying: It's over
I was told that it was because the connection had degraded, however, that was a steaming load of crap. I gave him time but I do admit I did pester him to at least talk to me and then backed off because he knew where to find me.
So after him commenting on a facebook pic I posted that showed I was losing weight, I went over his Father's and spent many days over his Father's house. Now, another turn seems to be where all of a sudden the same issues are coming up and he could be looking at another option that is another absence in the 3 years weve been together...it's been at least 2 years that he's been away from me. Now he can spend another few months from me, and after that long stretch from about March 2011 until about January 2012, it feels like I can't keep on with the same record of his use.
I won't act like I didn't allow myself to be put through this, I wanted to be a loving, supportive boyfriend that helped the man he loved through his addiction. Yet, I keep hearing the same record, the same songs, the same everything. I don't empathize with him when he's dope-sick because if he didn't enjoy being dope-sick, he wouldn't touch the stuff, he has shirked off the help he's been given, he's hung around with his old friends he used with, been around people that have used and I think he likes it all so he can be the victim. It's all happening to him, he doesn't want me to get depressed about things when addiction enters the picture, but I've dealt with two separate feelings: Should I stay and believe that I can be a person for him to lean on? or Should I go and find happiness somewhere else?
I mean, I am a smart man and I know that I can't help him do what he doesn't want to do. I hate hearing the same sad song all over again. I used, I'm going to rehab. I've used I have to go. I feel like This Old Heart of Mine where it says: You got me never knowing if you're coming or going...and I swear I feel like I have a timeshare boyfriend. I don't deserve that. I want to know what he wants from me too. I thought I knew, but as he said: I'm not quite myself yet. I don't know what to do with him. I don't know what to believe anymore about him. I don't know if I should even bother or just cut it. I am more toward the latter, I know I could get someone that's not an addict and is a good man with a job, smart, intelligent, and will actually be able to do stuff with me since he won't be dope-sick all the time.
I know I deserve better, and to be honest, Darryl not being the one scares me. However, I think about adoption and the fact that it would probably hurt our chances of adoption if we were going to because of his past. I needed to get this written down on paper because I needed to vent this. I get depressed about addiction stuff because our relationship ends, we stop being us and become two people who are always fighting about who the other is and the fact that he's an addict. I don't want that to be us. I want us to be strong, but I can't be strong for the both of us all the time.
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