My First Attempt At Coming Out

Hi Everyone,

I thought about my first time trying to come out and I really  tried to come out today, and I remember just about every detail of the exchange even though the person I tried to come out to could not. He had a hostile reaction so I said something different. He couldn't recall years later and said: I don't remember. At that time I felt like Cpt. Nero in Star Trek (2009) when he shouts at Cpt. Pike: Don't tell me it didn't happen I saw it happen, don't tell me it didn't happen!

Background

I was in college, really trying to figure out who I was, I knew I liked guys and I kept feeling that I was a freak or something because of it. I would spend nights praying to be straight, just desperately hoping I would wake up and decide to be straight. I would say that I liked women and some of them I really did, but I realized that when it came right down to it, the emotional connection was there, but not the sexual one. I couldn't have brought myself to do such a thing. It was Fall 2003-Spring 04 semester and I believe it was more toward the fall, because at that time I was surrounded by a predominantly Christian crowd that just made me feel even more off balance because I thought of them very highly and felt like I would be disappointing them and God if I acknowledged my feelings and was true enough to myself to explore it.

During that time I became involved with a gentleman that lived next door and I enjoyed time with him, we even talked about guys and how we knew we were gay. I knew since I was 7 and at 8, I experimented with an older guy and people would argue that the encounter at 8 made me gay, but I knew since I was 7. I remember it clearly. I was in 2nd grade and we were playing duck duck goose and this kid Jordan was the King of Duck Duck Goose and when he 'goosed' me and I caught him, I was so happy! I caught Jordan...who I realize now, I liked him a lot even though I couldn't put words to it. That was when I knew I liked boys instead of girls.

Fast forward to that fateful day. I don't remember the date but I know for a fact that if I don't tell anyone I don't know what I'm going to do. I felt an immense pressure to do it, and I'd looked at so many of the guys in the dorms in a way that was normal for a gay man, but if any of them knew I wondered if they would feel as if they couldn't take their shirt off or would be really insecure around me simply because I liked guys. I remember being really nervous when a guy was dressing in front of me and I did everything I could to not focus on him, but sneak peeks at him. Another guy I told I liked but I never got a response from him so I felt it wasn't going to go anywhere, me coming out in small steps to various people and I couldn't come out to the people I loved the most.

Trying to Come Out

I was in my friend Andrew's room. I could see the Stella Artois Flag on his side of the room. His roommate Derek, was one of the most not exactly homophobic but I guess he was because he always put down gay people especially gay men, he was also misogynistic, I shouldn't be surprised about that either. I felt that I wouldn't have a chance at a positive reaction with him in the room and I was so fragile that everything hurt. Then again it wasn't that I was just fragile, but human. Straight people will never understand losing a person they really respect and admire because of their sexuality, because no one cares about it. No social movement is out there waiting to strip them of their rights, straight people don't worry about the whims of the next Legislative administration taking away their rights because they are straight. They don't have to be subject to animus and have laws made against them that will impact their lives and who they spend it with. No straight person will be made fun of or killed because they are straight. They will not have Congressmen saying that they shouldn't be parents, teachers, work with kids or marry. So this is what I was up against, and I knew it. It was a lot to lose a friend that was my buddy and I really enjoyed, I did like him too, but at that time I couldn't think about dating ANYONE on campus because of how I was and what I was like emotionally and I wasn't exactly as attractive as I am now either.

So I'm in the room, my heart beating like a drum, I'm feeling like I'm on the witness stand and If I don't answer the question in a vague enough way I'll send my buddy up the river. I started to talk, the words sticking in my mouth, feeling like if I don't say it, I'm going to die, or worse, live. My mind is racing but my mouth is carefully choosing words to spring the trap and as I'm in mid-sentence I hear the words that still shock me to the core today: Are you gonna tell me you're gay? You're not gonna tell me you're gay! It's immoral His face was twisted, his features etched in my memory, his voice boomed in my heart as if it were engraved in it...and in that moment I backed down saying that it's not that. I never felt so ashamed of myself, but at that time self preservation was the order of the day. What would've happened if I had come out? I don't know and I don't know if I could've bore the consequences of such. I am glad though that when I ran into him again, he didn't care and he forgot all about that night.

I never did, as surely as my name is Terry aka Spencer Hamilton on my other page, I will never forget it. It was a moment that I faltered and while I do somewhat regret it, I feel as if there was no other choice given my state of mind at the time. Since that time I've grown stronger and I have been dealing with some disapproval, but I have to say that I have been through a lot where people tried to make me feel less than and have even done so to my face which I have deflected and defended my point of view. People say "Everyone's entitled to their opinion" but what they mean to say oftentimes is "Everyone's entitled to MY opinion"

See you later!